Artemis Fowl and the Magic of Blood
by The Broken Pentacle
Summary: Artemis' School is struggling in the current economic crisis. Desperate, they open the scool to girls, and thats where the trouble starts.. Someone tries to kill Artemis. Someone tries to kill the new Girl. And it all has to do.. with Fairy Blood. pre EC.
1. Chapter 1: Meet Jane

**Well, hello, mi Pacos! (It's a combo of 'Pal' and 'Taco') The ominous summery... The ominous title... *Shiver* It may not seem suspensful now, but later, it will be... almost terrifying. Beleive me. I know. I had a dream of this whole story, and parts of it made me want to wake up screaming.**

**I'm ALMOST kidding. anyway, I've said too much. **

**enjoy, and I don't own Artemis Fowl, even though I would like to.**

* * *

**Chapter One: Meet Jane**

"You just don't give up, do you?" sighed the man, glancing at the mound of papers clutched in the girl's hands.

"No, Sir." She said, and handed the applications to him. "You will find everything in order, with the advance fees in the envelope." She waited, hoping for a reply.

"Of course," said the man gruffly. "That will be all Miss… what was it again?" the girl counted to ten in her head. This was getting old.

"Barry, Sir. Jane Barry."

"Right, right," said Principal Guiney, "You can go Miss Berny."

"Barry, sir." Said Jane, and left the office.

She strolled along the corridor, humming 'Picture to Burn' by Taylor Swift. She was in a melancholy mood. On the one hand, she was the only one to apply for the new opening in Saint Bartleby's. On the other hand, the only reason she could apply for Saint Bartleby's was the school's drop in funding. Obviously, the school's students were quite rich, but the economic dip had forced many students to leave for less expensive education.

And that was why Jane was there. In desperation, 'Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentleman' became 'Saint Bartleby's School for Gifted Students', even if some students still had trouble with two times two. One test case would start off the new regime. That was probably her. It was, (though Jane didn't know it,) quite like Holly Short's appointment as the first ever female recon officer.

Jane's father's car was waiting outside the gate. "Hey, daddy," she grumbled as she climbed into the shotgun seat. Her father glanced at her.

"Bad time, huh?" he asked, pulling away from the drive.

"Oh, the usual," sighed Jane. "Idiot principal, sexist treatment, yada, yada, yada," Her father clenched his fists, turning his knuckles white around the leather-cased steering wheel.

"I don't know why you signed up for this," he growled. "You know how people treat you. And now you're off to be the only girl in a school full of guys. I don't like it." Jane looked down. She didn't like to have her looks mentioned.

"Dad, someone has to show these blockheads that a girl can cope with anything a guy can. And we can do it in _high-heels." _Her father chuckled, his mood calming down.

"Now," he said, "I remember why I let you sign on for this." He turned to her and grinned. "You're so full of spunk, those 'blockheads' won't know what to do."

* * *

"Mother, I honestly don't know why I have to go to school again this year," Said Artemis, straightening his tie.

"Arty, I know you already know so much, but School is really important," Angeline Fowl smiled fondly at her son. "And even if it bores you to tears, there's still the ski trips!" she beamed, and busied herself with one of the lobsters Butler had cooked for their supper. `

"That's right," Said Artemis Sr. "I didn't get where I am today by staying home. You learn by experience, and you can get that best at _school,_" He said, wagging his fork at Artemis.

"But," Artemis began,

"No buts," said Angeline, "You're going to school," and daintily put a piece of Lobster in her mouth.

* * *

**At the First Day of school, Art Class, First Period**

Classroom 10 was like nothing Jane had ever seen. It had a large counter with sculptures on it in the back of the room, a desk for each student, and swivel chairs to boot. It was her first lesson at Saint Bartleby's, and she was relived it wasn't something too hard. Art was one of her favorite subjects, next to music and drama. Obviously, she didn't get into Saint Bartleby's just by being artistic. She had perfect grades and attendance in any school she'd been to since second grade. The only reason her attendance didn't date back to kindergarten was she had whooping cough once.

She was sitting in the swivel chair at the front of the class, and waited for the lesson to begin. Curious, she opened her desk drawer to see if anything was inside it. What she saw nearly made her gasp. Top of the range lead pencils and paints, colored chalks, at least twenty paintbrushes of different sizes, and rulers and stencils of every sort. She opened the next drawer, holding her breath, waiting to see the treasures within. A mound of notebooks and papers of every size, shape, and color filled it. In the last drawer was a small wooden figure, with moving pieces. A mannequin! She had always wanted one, and finally, she had got her wish. Carefully, she lifted the mannequin out of the drawer, and began experimenting with the poses it could make. Utterly delighted, she took out one of the pieces of paper and a pencil, and began to sketch the mannequin.

* * *

Artemis stalked to class. It was irritating, truly irritating that he had to return to Saint Bartleby's every year, just to read the latest scientific work under his desk. He already knew what the teachers did times ten. Last year, he had demonstrated the chaos theory to his math teacher, the time-space continuum to his science teacher, and convinced his history teacher that the only reliable fact from ancient times was that which was written down by many, with the same story repeated multiple times, and even _that_ wasn't completely reliable. The teacher had had enough by then and sent Artemis off to the library, telling him that "If you're so smart, go build a time machine, why don't you?!?"

And so Artemis was resigned to teaching his new teachers the same lesson; Artemis worked best _alone._

What Artemis didn't know was that he was about to meet his match. Quite literally, in fact.

* * *

A boy walked into the classroom, looking around uninterestedly, as if he thought that art was a waste of time. He stalked to the desk next to the window, and took out a large book on Quantum Physics. _What's his problem?_ Jane wondered. She didn't have time to ponder long, because by that time the class was full, and the teacher was beginning to speak.

"Quiet, now class," said the friendly looking man with brown curls and ice blue eyes. He waited for the class to settle. Jane put the sketch and mannequin to the side of the desk. She glanced around. Why was she the only one paying attention to the teacher? The boy at the window with the Physics book paid no notice at all. "Quiet, people!" said the teacher again, raising his voice. The hubbub continued. _"Shut up already!_" He roared. Jane jumped in her chair, but it got people's attention.

"Now" said the man. "I'm Mr. Theile, your new art teacher." Mr. Theile smiled at the class. "Now, I know your old art teacher wasn't much fun," a murmur of ascent came from the students, "But it's not gonna be like that this year, 'kay?" another murmur. "Don't believe me, huh?" Mr. Theile grinned. "How to you feel about balloon art?"

Fifteen minutes later, the entire art class was standing in smocks on the activity field next to the school. A huge canvas was set up, with balloons of paint covering its surface. Each student was given a small box of pointed darts.

"They won't hurt you," said Mr. Theile, throwing one at his arm. Jane yelped slightly, expecting the dart to penetrate deep into the man's flesh, but the dart bounced off onto the ground. "But you still need to be careful. They can _sting,_" and with that, everyone started throwing darts at the board. Well… everyone_ except_ the black-haired boy with the Physics book.

"Soooo… said a red haired boy to Jane, aiming a dart at a bright purple balloon. "You're the test case, right?"

"Yea," she said, her dart puncturing a navy balloon.

"What's your name?"

"Jane, but everyone calls me Jay."

"Cool. M' name's Neil. So, why'd you decide to join this big streak of boring?"

"Why'd _you?_" Jane challenged.

Sploosh. Neil's dart hit a balloon and red paint splattered all over the place.

"I didn't have a choice," he said,

"I signed up," Said Jane. "First female student, and all that. I like being first." Neil started to grin. It wasn't a nice smile, either.

"Oh _really_,"  
"Yeah," Jane said, uncomfortable at his tone.

"I like being first too." Said Neil, "How's about the first guy to date the first girl at Bartleby's?"

"Erm… no, no thanks Neil." Neil looked crestfallen. "I just want to get to know everyone first, that's all."

"Okay," Neil said sadly. "See ya around, Jay." He moved off to talk to some other guys. _Dad was right,_ thought Jane. _Being in a school full of guys _is _awkward. _

A little way away from Jane, Neil and some other boys were talking.

"But, _damn_ it, she's hot," Neil whistled. "This 'test case' idea was the best thing Guiney has ever done,"

"What's her name, Neil? Or were you too busy drooling to ask?" one of the boys asked.

"Shut up, you retard." Neil growled. "She's called Jay,"

"I thought she was a bird," said another boy. "What size, do you recon?" Neil shrugged.

"How'm I supposed to know? It's not like I spend my time looking at – "

"_Okay,"_ said Mr. Theile said, coming up from behind them. "Less talking, more throwing!" The boys grumbled, but relented.

Jay was escorted to her room at the end of the day by Vice Principal Aaron.

"You can decorate it all you want, as long as it looks this way at the end of the year," he told her and left.

The room was small, and plain. She supposed it was a pretty good deal, seeing as she had to have her own room. It had one bunk-bed in it, one small dresser, and a wardrobe in the corner. A long mirror hung on the wall next to the wardrobe. A single ceiling lamp illuminated the small space.

Jay smiled. She liked redecorating, and with so little to work with, she had hundreds of possibilities. She set down her suit cases, and started unpacking.

* * *

**Did you like it? Cuz this aint' the best part of the story yet, no. The best part is... well I'm not sayin. **

**PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE PRESS THE MAGIK GREEN REVIEW BUTTON! **

**You getz a cookie and a smiley face if you review... *Holds up HUGE COOKIE and grins* **

**Please and thank you!**

**Bye!**


	2. Chapter 2: Novels and Vans

**OOOH thanks to all who reviewed! *holds out a giant plate of cookies the size of your HEAD* And here's the smileys -**

**:D **

**:)**

**;)**

**;D**

**:-)**

**:-D **

**;-)**

**;-D**

**Thankies muchos to all of the awsometastic peoplez who reviewed!!! wooohooo!!**

**Anyway, this chap is a bit short, but the next one will be up almost immidiately aferwards!**

**Oh, and I don't own the Vans shoe company, I don't own the Discworld books *sob*, and I don't own Artemis Fowl *sob, sob***

* * *

**Chapter 2: Novels and Vans**

If a library cannot be quiet, than what is the point of it? Thought Artemis grumpily. My task is not difficult, but it is hard to concentrate with the noise. It was true. For Artemis, translating some old English* texts to modern English was a fairly simple task.

Suddenly, a hush fell over the crowd of students in the immense library. Finally, thought Artemis. The creak of the library doors sounded as someone entered. The silence continued. Soft footsteps echoed in the fiction isle. Artemis analyzed the sound the shoes made. Female, Vans, size 7. So this must be the new trial student. He smiled to himself, thinking of Holly.

Jay stopped in front of the isle marked 'Fiction.' Hurrying down it, she found what she was looking for almost immediately. The Discworld books, by Terry Pratchett. She grabbed 'Wintersmith' and 'Thief of Time' from the shelf, and for good measure, 'Reaper Man'. She scurried to the front desk, and checked out the three books. Just as quickly, she left the library.

Artemis was irritated. As soon as the trial case left the library, the noise started up again.

"She's in accelerated?"

"Best idea ever,"

"I didn't know the uniform came in baby doll cut,"

Artemis sighed. He was going to have to continue the translation in his room. He gathered up his things, and followed the trial case out of the library.

The trial case was sitting on the wooden bench in the court yard, reading in the sun. A look of bliss was spreading across her face. Quite a pretty face too, almost elf-like. Her long, dark gold hair was tied up in a pony tail, and the sleeves of her school top were rolled up past the elbow, exposing her lightly tanned arms. She chuckled quietly, completely unaware that Artemis was looking at her. He shook himself. Blasted puberty, he scowled and hurried for his room.

* * *

*I mean seriously old. It was spoken in those good 'ol B.C days...

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed that! Okay, next chapter up soon! **


	3. Chapter 3: Tom

**I know that the last chapter was short, and I'm sorry about It. This one is A bit longer.**

**You know, It' s taking a longer time than I expected to get to the good part of the story... but never fear, it draws closer... so yeah. **

* * *

**Chapter 3: Tom**

It was a few days later, and Jay had just finished Wintersmith. It was a good book, she had thought. She couldn't wait for the sequel. Now she picked up 'Thief of Time' and opened it. She got to the part that went;

_"Then you have the story of the Emperor Who Had No Clothes. But if you knew a bit more, it would be The Story Of The Boy Who Got A Well-Deserved Thrashing From His Dad For Being Rude To Royalty, And Was Locked Up. _

_Or The Story Of The Whole Crowd That Was Rounded Up By The Guards And Told 'This Didn't Happen Okay? Does Anyone Want to Argue?'"_ when a slight creaking on the bench next to her told her that someone had just sat down.

"Enjoying that?" Asked a new voice.

"Yes," said Jay, looking up. "Who're you?" The boy sitting next to her was quite good looking, with sandy hair and green eyes.

"Tom," he said, "Yours?"

"Jay."

"You know, I'm kind of relived." He smiled at her puzzled look. "I thought I was the only one to read Terry Pratchett around here!" Jay grinned, understanding what Tom meant.

"Me too," She said, "The only other person I know who reads his books is my dad!" Tom laughed at that.

"Same. Hey, you know everyone's talking about you?" Jay frowned.

"I can imagine."

"They say that opening the school to girls is the best thing Guiney ever did." Jay moaned. Why, why,_ why_ hadn't she been plain? It wasn't _HER_ fault that she was pretty. It wasn't _HER_ fault that she was fit, and good at sports. It wasn't _HER _fault that she looked like the stereotyped California Girl.

"Whatever," she grumbled. "I suppose I should expect it." Jay sighed and closed the book, slipping a lace Cross bookmark between the pages, marking her spot. Tom noticed.

"Christian?" he asked.

"Mmm? Oh, yes. What're you?"

"Same," he smiled. "My pastor's crazy though."

"Really? That's weird. My pastor's perfectly sane. What's he like?"

"He tries to get us guys to give up video games at Advent. It never works though!" Jay smiled.

"My pastor tried to make me give up chocolate for Advent. I went for a week, and then decided the restriction only applied to milk chocolate."

"You don't like milk chocolate?" Tom asked.

"No, I love it! It's just I like dark more."

"Oh, dark chocolate is alright I guess, but white chocolate is the way to go!"

"Nuh-uh,"

"Uh-huh,"

Jay started to giggle, much to her eternal shame.

"We sound just like second-graders," she giggled. "Very mature of us, Tom,"

"Yeah," he grinned. "It's weird. I think I'm the first guy to make you laugh here," Jay shut up.

"And?"

"Well, it's just interesting."

"And?"

"Why would that be?"

"Because," she snapped, "Everyone else who wants to talk to me seems to have a fair amount of dating and sex on his mind. Do you see why I'm a little relived to have someone say something to me that doesn't involve, somewhere in the conversation, 'So, Jay, wanna go out with me?'?!" Jay's outburst startled Tom. It startled everyone ten feet away, too.

"Chilax, Jay," said Tom, raising his hands in an 'I Give Up, Don't Have a Cow' position.

"I gotta go," Jay said grumpily, gathering up her books.

"I'll come with," Tom said, standing up and following her.

Jay sighed. "Fine," and slowly led Tom up to her room, listening to him chatter. She slid the key into the lock and opened the door.

"Wow," said Tom, stepping into the room. Jay's redecorating skills were amazing. The inside of her room looked like the inside of an Arabian circus tent. The walls were draped with dark blue shimmering gauze, and the floor was covered in a thick white rug. The bunk was hung with a lighter shade of blue drapes, and the mirror was framed by it, too.

"Light," Jay said, and the light popped on, revealing an astonishing white chandelier in the shape of a tree's branches.  
"Want anything?" Jay asked, opening a mini fridge, and taking out a coke and some type of dip. Popping the dip in the microwave sitting on top of the fridge, she turned to face Tom. He looked rather stunned.

"Earth to Tom," She waved a hand in his face. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"Oh! Yeah. Coke, please."

* * *

**Okay, that was only to introduce another character into the story. It'll start revolving around Artemis soon, but for the meantime... **

**Anyway, Next chap will be up soon. **

**PLEASE PRESS DA AMAZING GREEN BUTTON!**

**\\\///**

**\\//**

**\/**


	4. Chapter 4: LockDown

**OMGZY TWO CHAPS IN ONE DAY!!! HOLY CROW!!! I must really want to finish this fic, huh? Anyway, there's a lot of tempers going off in this one. It was fun to write!**

**And by the way, All I own of Artemis Fowl is the rubbish below. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Lock-Down**

"Class, today you will get your science partners," said Mr. Oday, the Saint Bartlebys Science teacher. Students started to glance at each other and point. "But, I will be the one to choose them." A disgruntled murmur filled the class.

"Miss Barry," Everyone turned to Jay. She sat up straight, trying not to look worried. What if she ended up sitting next to some pervert? She'd met a couple already.

"Seeing as you are the only girl among many fine young gentleman, I will put you with someone who is level-headed, to keep you from loosing attention." _Excuse me? _Jay thought angrily. _Can we say sexist jerk?_

From the first day she had met the science teacher, there had been a well-established dislike between the two of them. Mr. Oday highly disapproved of allowing females into the school, and Jay didn't like the way he treated her like she was a not very intelligent and slightly disgusting dog. Mr. Oday had complained multiple times to the principal about his 'troublesome, bewitching' student, and Jay had kept quiet and tried to grin and bear it. It wasn't working very well.

"I'm sorry, sir?" She said trying to control her temper.

"I said, I don't want you daydreaming in my class!" Snapped Mr. Oday.

"Sir, I actually think-"

"I don't care what you think, missy. Sit by Mr. Fowl over there," Seething, Jay stormed over to the black haired boy she had seen the other day. Slamming her books down, she pointedly opened 'Thief of Time' and started to read, ignoring everything Mr. Oday said.

"Miss Barry!" snapped the teacher, "Tell me what I have demonstrated on the board!" Jay glanced up. _Not only is he a jerk, but he can't draw. Pitiful. _

"It's an imbalanced atom, sir." Jay said smartly.

"Wrong!" snapped Mr. Oday, purpling, "It is a perfectly balanced atom, missy!"

"No, sir, it's not. You have five neutrons, seven electrons, and three protons. There is no way that's balanced." A collective snicker came from the class. Mr. Oday turned a bright shade of magenta.

"DETENTION!" he bellowed.

"Excuse me, sir? What did I do wrong?" Jay asked, stung. Not that this was unexpected- Mr. Oday was liable to snap at anyone who disagreed with him, and he loathed Jay.

"INSOBORDINATION! DISRESPECT!" he roared

"What? But sir, I didn't –"

"DOUBLE DETENTION!" Yelled Oday.

"But I-" Jay started hotly,

"Leave it," muttered her science partner, not looking up once. "He has no respect for anyone, especially women. You are lucky he is not trying to expel you. Don't push it." No one else heard the boy's words, but Jay took them to heart. She had heard things about Fowl. She knew he was a genius. She knew he was cold and aloof, but that he always disliked the teachers more than the students. And Jay thought; _What the hell. Might as well listen to the kid. But, why not insult the teach along the way?_ Jay grinned and nodded genially at the purple-faced teacher.

"Okay, roger will co! What time, what place?" she grinned like detention was the biggest treat in the world.

"Right here, after school, for two hours. If I get any lip out of you, it'll be four."

"Four?" Said Jay, putting on her 'stereotyped Cali girl' act. "That's a long time isn't it? Can I bring my nail polish? My pinky got tottaly chipped this morning!" she made a face of mock horror. The class snickered.

"No," grinned the teacher, "Bring a book. That is all you are allowed to bring."

"Awww… moaned Jay, sticking out her bottom lip. "Do I have to?"

* * *

Artemis was enjoying the girl's performance. She was insulting the teacher and he didn't even know it! She was pretending to be what Mr. Oday thought a woman should be like; brainless, self-centered, vain...

* * *

"Yes, yes you do." Grinned Mr. Oday devilishly. "Now, BACK TO WORK, THE LOT OF YOU!!!"

* * *

The girl turned to Artemis.

"Thanks for the tip off back there. My name's Jay Barry. What's yours?"

"Artemis Fowl."

"I think I've heard that name before… but, well, my imagination always is playing tricks on me. Anyway, what's with the teacher?"

"He is mentally unstable, that is all." Artemis replied, flipping over a page of his book.

"You can say that again! That nutty old badger gave me two hours of detention just for correcting him!"

Artemis said nothing. He often said nothing. He was not the one to engage in meaningless chatter. He tuned out the girl's voice until a sharp rap on the back of his had caught his attention.

"Hey, buddy, am I gonna have to do this by myself?" Jay was frowning, holding out a list of questions. "I can, but the crazy guy who calls himself our teacher wants us to do it in partners."

Luckily for her, Mr. Oday was too busy yelling at Collin Grimes to notice the slander.

No one had even tried to work with Artemis as a partner. No one could keep up.

"Just give the sheet to me," he sighed. Jay nodded in agreement.

"Okay, you take the even numbers, I'll take the odds."

"Pardon?" She rolled her eyes. _For a supposed genius, the boy's a dimwit_. She thought.

"You take the even questions; I'll take the odd ones. Divvy up the work, you know?"

Normally, any person who partnered with Artemis had most of the work done for them. It was odd for Artemis to have someone voluntarily split up the load.

Artemis was done with his half of the forty questions in two minutes. Jay was done in six, a fact Artemis' vain side was secretly happy about. Happy, but not surprised.

After Jay had (unsuccessfully) tried to start a conversation, she pulled out a sketchbook and started to draw. The scratching of the pencil was accompanied by her quiet humming, so low Artemis could barely hear it.

"What exactly are you doing missy?" asked the angry tones of Mr. Oday a few minutes later.

"I'm done with my work, sir. I'm drawing in my spare time." Jay said calmly, putting down her pencil.

"Drawing? What is it you are drawing, hmm? Mind sharing with the class?" Oday sneered.

"Nope," said an ever cheerful Jay, handing him the sketchbook. Oday began flipping through it, his scowl deepening with every picture he saw.

"Who are these people?" he thrust the book at Jay's face.

"My Dad, my Sister, and my four cats, Tami, Monkey, Nike, and Bob." She explained, smiling at the drawing of her family.

"And this?"

"It's an abstract picture of the sea, sir."

Oday continued to question Jay on every piece of artwork, until he grinned.

"I knew you would become distracted!" he crowed, showing the sketchbook for all to see.

On the pages he showed were near perfect drawings of Tom, Neil, Collin, and every other boy Jay had met at Bartleby's. There were drawings of the teachers too, all with signs of what they taught. One page had a rough outline of Mr. Oday, but it had been angrily crossed out. On the last page that had been drawn on was a sketch of Artemis.

Jay did not look embarrassed. Why not make mementoes to her time here? She would forget faces almost as easily as she would forget where she had left a pebble on a beach. She would lose photos, but drawings in her own hand she would treasure, because they would reflect how she saw the person she drew. She wouldn't be ashamed of drawing boys, no matter what anyone said. Even Mr. Oday.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself, young lady?" Sneered Oday.

"Yes, sir, I have something to say, sir. Why shouldn't I draw pictures of people I've met? Cameras are banned during school hours, so I just draw. I don't see the problem, sir." Oday's face suddenly looked very beet-like.

"Liar!" he hissed. "You are taking an interest in these fine yong men! You are trying to seduce these poor boys, aren't you?!? That is six hours of detention for you, missy!"

_'Six hours?'_

_'What does seduce mean?'_

_'Did he say six hours?'_

_'Really, what does seduce mean?'_

_'Six hours! That's crazy, man. That'd be breaking curfew! She'd be stuck here all night!'_

_'Poor kid,'_

Whispers rushed through the class while Jay sat there, an incredulous look on her face. That was it. The straw that broke the camel's back. She was reporting him.

"Sorry, sir, but that's against the teaching code." She said. Oday drew back his hand as if to slap her, when a voice came from the back of the class.

"It's true Mr. Oday. The maximum time for a detention is four hours, so the student won't miss dinner or curfew. You could extend the number of days in a detention, or some such action, to equal up to the number of hours of detention you have assigned." Tom stood up, his face determined, trying to remember all of the rules for Saint Bartleby's teachers.

"In addition, if you proceed with this, you can and will be tried for unusual and unfair treatment of students, and may be ejected from the school grounds and staff."

Mr. Oday gave him a murderous glare. Just then, the end of school bell rang, and everyone hurried out of the class.

"Mr. Thomas Sharp and Miss Jane Barry come back in here!" hollered Mr. Oday. With a feeling of dread, the two of them turned their book bags in their hands.

Mr. Oday shuttered all the windows, secured all the cupboards and then locked his desk drawers. He was moving toward the door, as if to leave the room, when Tom gave a nervous little cough. Turning slowly to look at the two of them standing there, a manic grin spread across Mr. Oday's wrinkled features.

"I never expected you of all people, Thomas, to fall under this witches spell," he said quietly,

"But it cannot be helped now. See you in the morning!" He cackled, and slammed the door, locking it, and trapping them.

* * *

**Oooh! meanie teacher!! I just wanna - *Runs up and socks Oday in the face* Ah. That's better.**

** Anyway, Please please please tell me if you like/don't like, love/hate my story. **

**Or Even (and this is a long shot, people,) you Want to rip it up, roll it in dung and burn the pieces/ show this fabulous story to Eoin Colfer! (just kidding) **

**R**

**E **

**V**

**I**

**E **

**W**

**!**

**!**

**!**


	5. Chapter 5: Prison Break

**Yola, folks! This chapter involves prison breaks, Impossible quizes, and ARTEMIS FOWL! whoot! Okay, here goes.**

**I do not own Artemis Fowl/The Impossible Quiz. Unfairness is a curse.**

* * *

Jay said some very bad words.

"You have a sailor's mouth, ya know?" said Tom, who was slightly impressed.

"Yeah," Jay sighed. "My granddad was in the Navy." She slammed her bag down on the table. "But this seriously sucks!" she fumed. "Why couldn't I have a normal science teacher, hmm? Why do I have to get one that has a serious sexist issue and mental problems!" she slammed her fist into the cupboards, denting the green metal.

"Oops. Didn't mean to do that. Sorry," Tom was staring at her, his eyes wide.

"You scare me sometimes, you know that?" he asked, completely serious. Jay sighed again.

"Sorry, Tom. I didn't mean to. It's just the whole 'getting locked into a class room by a mental idiot' thing. I'm better now." He nodded and slowly went over to her. She was rubbing her hand, and staring at the dented cupboard.

"Does your hand hurt?"

She glanced down at her fist and muttered something.

"What?"

"I said; I'm fine, thanks," she smiled weakly at him. "I'm sorry about the fit. I have a bit of a temper," she explained.

"S'all cool," he muttered. Jay pulled out a chair and sat down, and Tom followed her lead.

"Hey," Said Jay after a while, turning to face Tom. "Thanks for defending me back there. How'd you know all that stuff?" Tom blushed and said nothing.

"C'mon. I won't tell the guys," like I could tell any girls, she grumbled in her head.

"Okay," he said looking up. "I want to be a lawyer." She stared at him.  
"A lawyer?" he shoved his hands into his pockets, scowling.

"You can laugh. It's stupid, anyway."

"No it's not, its brilliant! I think it's a great idea. Anyone who wasn't crazy would have believed your argument today," She smiled at him, even though he wasn't looking.

They sat around for what felt like – and probably was – hours, taking turns drinking out of Jay's water bottle.

At one point, she handed him a pack of peanut butter crackers.

"Were you planning on being trapped in a classroom?" he asked her, to which she smiled knowingly.

When night was closing well upon the world, Jay mentioned something about sleep.

"It's not the greatest of choices," she sighed, spreading her jacket on the floor, "but it'll do." At that point, a rattling came from the door.

Jay swore again. "That loon must be back!" Jay scurried under a desk and peaked out from behind a chair. "Get down," she hissed. Tom rolled his eyes, but did what she said. "When he comes in, we jump him, okay?"

"That's really stupid. Why-"

The door creaked open.

"My God Artemis, why do even know how to do that?" A voice asked.

"I just do. Now, hurry up. It is quite chilly out here." There was a grumbled reply, but slowly a small troop of boys scurried into the classroom.

"Tom? Jay? You guys in here?" Jay laughed, relieved, and crawled out from under the desk.

"No, we're in Hong Kong," she straightened her t-shirt with as much dignity as she could, and scooped her jacket off the floor.

"Is this a prison break?" Asked Tom excitedly, also standing up.

"Yeah," Said a voice. "We'll tell ya all about it once we get to a room. Any volunteers?"

"Mine," said Jay automatically. "I've got some food in my room, and I am starving,"

0000000000

Jay's room was sufficiently cramped once everyone was inside. The rescuers were the boys of dormitory rooms nine and ten. Collin from science class, a boy called David, and Artemis.

Collin, from his position on the top bunk told the story like this:

"It was after dinner when we first suspected that something was going on… okay, fine, Dave suspected something was going on. Cuz when you two didn't show at dinner," he pointed at the fugitives, "And Tom wasn't in his room, we thought that you two… uh…" He muttered something under his breath and Jay rolled her eyes.

"Perish the thought, Collin. Nothing of the sort happened." Reassured, Collin began to speak again.

"Anyway, we waited until it was, like, way past curfew. So Dave came to me, right, and told me that you hadn't turned up." He grinned wickedly here. "We started concocting brilliant ideas of where you could be, and in a turn of genius, deduced that you were trapped in a science classroom!"

"In other words, I told them that Oday had supposedly set you up for a six hour or more detention," Said Artemis from the white reading chair in the corner of the room. Jay glanced at him. He looked bored, and was analyzing the collection of books on the small shelf beside the chair. They were mostly fiction, with several histories mixed in. He picked up a copy of 'Gilgamesh' and started scanning the print.

"Yeah…" muttered Collin, uncomfortable.

David picked up the story then.

"So we snuck out of our room to get you guys, but Artemis pointed out that it would be completely useless to find you guys if we couldn't bust you out." Artemis broke in again there.

"I'm sorry? 'Bust them out?' I believe I said; 'If you don't have anything in mind you will be caught and in as much trouble as them. If you're going to do something stupid, at least have a plan.'" Embarrassing looks were exchanged.

"Yeaaaahhh…" muttered David, "I knew it was something like that. So anyway, we brought him with us, him being a genius and everything. When we get to Oday's classroom, he pulls out this, like, lock-picking kit, and opens the door! It was bloody brilliant!" Tom raised his eyebrows at Artemis.

"Why in the world do you-"

"Don't ask," muttered Artemis, flipping a page.

00000000

After that night, the five of them got along fabulously. Alright, Artemis was never particularly social, but he was still part of the little group.

On the outside, Artemis was as he always was; aloof, uninterested, and chilly. On the inside, no one could say what he was feeling, not even him. But if a more experienced person would have guessed, he was probably happy to be included for the first time. He probably was the happiest genius-kid on the planet, because he had friends his own age. Of course, those are only guesses.

Of course, even among friends, pranks are very common…

"Hey, Artemis," Called Jay, hiding her grin. He glanced up at her. She was staring, apparently frustrated, at her laptop's screen.

"Yes?" Tom, David and Collin all clustered around Jay and started murmuring among themselves. They were in on the plan, and were trying very hard to keep from laughing.

"I'm taking the hardest quiz on the planet," She said. "But it's, like, impossible! Could you maybe…?"

Artemis shrugged and made his way over to the table the laptop was on. He was sure he could take anything a test could dish out. Why not? He was the smartest person alive, wasn't he? But…

An hour and a half later, Artemis's hair was mussed up from the numerous times he had run his fingers through it.

"This is the most ridiculous test in the world!" he raged. "The answers are ludicrous! They do not even make sense!"

Jay shrugged.

"I told you it was the 'Impossible Quiz'," She said. "It says clearly in the instructions that only people with crazy logic, insane reasoning, and vast amounts of luck can get through the entire thing."

Artemis was staring at the screen like he wanted to stab it. He had never taken a test he had failed at, and this was failing him constantly. He told himself he shouldn't be bothered, but he was just too proud. He wasn't going to stop trying to beat the 'Impossible Quiz' until he, well, beat it. And then he'd find a way to wipe it off the internet for good.

"'Can a match box?'" he muttered, quoting one of the questions. "No, but a tin can.' My God, why did you put me up to this?"

* * *

**LOL there we go. A bit of harmless fun. Man, if Arty thinks that THIS is bad, wait a few chapters when someone tries to..... **

**Nevermind. Anyway, here's the impossible quiz! tell me if you beat it, kay?**

** .**

**\\\\////**

**\\\///**

**\\//**

**\/**

**REVIEW**


	6. Chapter 6: Attempted Murder

**Sorry for taking forever to update, but I was working on my own novel. So yeah, the LONG AWAITED PART WHERE THINGS GET INTERESTING! **

Artemis was walking along the second story floor. He paused at the window, looking out at the courtyard. It really was a nice place, with ivy covered walls, a swirling footpath and open classrooms to either side. For a moment, Artemis was tempted to forgo his work and go down there to hang out with his friends. Of course, Artemis would probably have said 'Socialize' rather than 'Hang out', but that's beside the point. He spotted their little gang on one of the grassy areas, chatting and joking. He watched them for a while, laughing quietly when Collin accidentally splashed Jay with a water bottle, and she chased him down, brandishing her own like a flamethrower. Both were thoroughly drenched by the time they stopped. _I suppose work before play is not always the proper way to function,_ Artemis thought, his mind made up to take a day off for once.

"Hey, Fowl," said a rough voice behind him. Artemis turned only to see a metal baseball bat swinging toward his head. And then darkness and pain.

000000

"No, I honestly _like_ 'The Sister Act'," Said Jay to an astonished David.

_CRASH!_ Artemis flew through the window, shocking everyone. He landed with a loud _crunch_ on the hard ground.

"Oh my GOD!" someone yelled.

"Holy sh-!"

"Aw, Fu-"

"Oh God, Artemis," gasped Jay. She hurried through the crowd, unaware of even getting up from the bench.

And she remembered.

_A younger Jay was standing on the sidewalk next to her father. _

"_Daddy, where we goin?" she asked. He laughed quietly, smiling down at her. _

"_It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you, would it?" she scowled, and her father chuckled. _

"_That's my girl," He stroked her short blonde hair, gazing at the 'don't walk' sign on the other side of the road. The heavy traffic roared all around them._

"_LOOK OUT!" cried a voice. They turned, and saw a biker desperately pumping the brake on his bicycle, but to no avail. He crashed into Mr. Barry, sending him into the traffic, where he then stumbled and was hit by an oncoming Chevy. The Chevy's driver swirved violently, trying to avoid Jay's father, but to no avail. The vehicle hit the man with tremendous force, sending him flying. He landed on his back with a hard, solid THUMP. _

"_DADDY!" screamed Jay, running for her father. She didn't care what had happened to the biker, she didn't care what happened to the Chevy, and she didn't care about the cars braking and the shouts following her. All that mattered was her father lying there on the side of the road like a dead thing. She felt that her legs wouldn't move, like she was standing knee-deep in a giant bowl of molasses._

_When she reached her father, there was a small group around him, their cell phones out and 911 on the line. _

"_Let me trough!" she shrieked. "Dad! Let me _trough!_" no one paid much notice to this small child screaming her head off. Finally, in desperation, she started swearing at the top of her voice, trying to remember all the bad things her grandfather had ever said. You couldn't blame the child – she was just trying to get attention._

"_Let me through you… you Bastards!" People turned and stared. Did that little kid just say…? "You heard me, you bunch of no good mother F _ _ _ing Bitches!" the crowd was tittering. She pushed her way through the people to her father. "Daddy," she whispered. He was covered in blood and white as a sheet. Was he dead?_

_When the ambulance arrived, she was pale and frozen in shock._

_Dimly, she heard a woman say;_

"_I think that girl is his daughter. Poor thing had to scream at us to get our attention. Started swearing like a sailor too, goodness knows. I think she's in shock." Jay's world swirled. Why where those men in white uniforms trying to load her father up into a car? She cried and tried to hold on to her father, desperate fingers latching onto his hand. Gentle arms lifted her away and carried her to the front of the car. _

"_Lemme go! Lemme go! I want my daddy!" she screamed. The person said something, but she didn't hear. "No! No! Get away! Get away!" she struggled and bit, kicked and punched, and finally the person said,_

"_Here, love. Have a drink," he held out a blue bottle, and Jay paused in her desperate bid for freedom. All the crying and screaming had made her quite thirsty. And she was only seven, after all. No seven-year-old would notice the cloudiness to the water. She grabbed the bottle and gulped it down, leaving only one third left. Suddenly she felt sleepy. She couldn't go on, she was just too tired. She drifted off uneasily as the paramedic got in the car and put her on his lap. He breathed a sigh of relief. Thank goodness for sedatives. _

Jay darted through the crowd, that awful memory in her head. _No, not him. I won't let him!_ But what could she do? She didn't know what to do in situations like this. She had refused to take the first-aid courses at school. The fact was she was afraid of doctors. But worse than doctors, she was absolutely terrified of wounded people, much to her shame. And there was Artemis, her friend, lying there, just like her father. She almost froze when she thought of that. But she forced herself to go on. She might be able to help… but she doubted it.

When she had finally pushed her way through the crowd of boys and saw Artemis, she almost fainted. Jay stumbled to his side, her eyes wide and afraid.

"Move," grunted a voice. She nodded mutely. Collin gently nudged her aside and quickly started examining Artemis. The crowd of watching students was absolutely silent.

Jay was staring down at the boy's body. He looked so small and hurt… and so like her father had. Jay remembered that day perfectly. It was almost exactly the same as now. Only, something was missing. She patted down her pockets, looking for her cell phone. It wasn't there. She remembered that she had left it in her purse.

"Did someone call 911?" she asked in a higher voice than usual. There was a muttering from the gathered boys.

"No? Then snap to it, people!" she shouted at them. There was a flurry of cell phones.

Collin was working quickly, trying to help as much as he could. Jay suddenly remembered that he wanted to be a doctor.

"Jay," he said, glancing up at her. "What's his pulse?" She stared dumbly.

"Pulse?"

"In the neck?" he said helpfully. _Oh._ She thought. _Pulse. Neck. Right. _

She gently put her fingers to Artemis's jugular vein. She could feel it pulsing slowly under her fingertips.

"It's slow, and uneven," she said after a minute.

"Shoot," muttered Collin. He started to pump Artemis's chest, trying to keep an even beat. Jay kept her hand resting lightly on the boy's neck. So she could check the pulse, she told herself, nothing else. But in reality, she found it comforting to feel the warm skin under her fingers.

"It's stronger now," she said after a minute.

"Right," said Collin. "Now for the shrapnel," he muttered, looking down at the glass cutting deep into Artemis's chest and arms. Jay's face went pale and then a slight shade of green. She wanted to look away, but was terrified to. It was like a scary movie, where you are so afraid of the pictures on the screen, you can't help but watch with awful fascination. She felt like she couldn't move, but when Collin asked her to do something – something small normally, like checking his pulse again or making sure that his arm didn't move – she would perform the task with dignity enough.

Never the less, she was relieved when the paramedics got there. A woman started talking rapidly to Collin while two men loaded Artemis onto a stretcher.

"Kid, can you come with us? We need to get this boy to the hospital stat. You could tell us what you did along the way," the paramedic talking to Collin said. Collin shifted uneasily from foot to foot. He didn't like small spaces.

"Err…" he mumbled. "Jay helped. She could tell you," The woman's eyes turned to Jay, her being the only girl around.

"Well, hun? We need someone who saw the damage up close and what was done. Think you can manage that?" Jay gulped. The smell of blood had made her very nearly ill out in the open air… what it would do to her trapped in a tin can on wheels…

_Deal with it,_ she told herself sternly. _You know that you have to._ Jay nodded, afraid she would throw up if she opened her mouth.

"Okay hun, into the back," said the woman stiffly.

The ambulance ride was long and terrifying for Jay, but nothing compared to when Mr. and Mrs. Fowl showed up a few hours later, having driven from Dublin.

"Where's my baby?!" cried Mrs. Fowl once one of the nurses greeted them in the front lobby. "Where's my Artemis?!" The very nervous nurse told her that, unfortunately, he was in surgery at the moment. The poor woman went into hysterics, sobbing onto her husband's shoulder. The nurse suggested – if it would comfort the Mrs. that is – that they might speak to an eye witness? Mr. Fowl agreed that, yes, he would quite like to know a thing or two about what happened.

They found Jay, very pale and very nervous, sitting in a corner of the waiting room. The nurse explained to her who Mr. and Mrs. Fowl were, and then left, quite relieved.

"Er…" Jay didn't quite know what to say. She felt faint, and scared, and was having awful flashbacks of hospitals and surgery rooms.

"So," Said Mr. Fowl. "What happened to our son?" Jay took a deep breath and explained as best she could.

"He fell out a second story window… I don't see how, it was shut after all. But… yes, he fell, and landed on the pavement. A boy called Collin Grimes and me, we gave him first aid. Well, actually, it was all Collin, I just measured Artemis's pulse and all… An' then I got on the ambulance with him." She gave a half hearted shrug. Mr. Fowl nodded silently and said he quite understood. Then he asked the question Jay had been dreading.

"How… bad was it?" Mrs. Fowl's sobs seemed to get louder.

Jay fiddled nervously with her necklace. "I… Well, it's just… I'm not…" she sighed, frustrated. "He's kinda messed up. I couldn't tell if it was really serious or not, seeing as I'm not a nurse and they didn't tell me anything." She felt the man's eyes boring into her, and had to look away.

You had to feel sorry for all three of them.

00000000000

Artemis opened his bleary eyes. Where was he? He tried to sit up, but pain shot through his body. His mother and father were sitting next to him, talking quietly.

"Mother? Father?" Artemis moaned. He felt awful. His brain was fuzzy too, which annoyed him. _I must be on some form of medication,_ he thought. _Valium or morphine, most likely. _

Arty?" his mother breathed. "Arty, are you awake?"

"Yes. Where am I?" how clichéd. Why did he have to say something like that? It sounded like it came from a bad chick-flick.

"You're at the hospital, son," Said his father. "You… uh… fell out a window."

"Oh." Artemis tried to remember falling… it seemed to have something to do with baseball, but he couldn't quite remember…

"I don't remember."

"You wouldn't," said his mother. "You've been out for almost two weeks!" and then she started to cry. Sobs wracked her body as she tried to restrain her emotions.

"Mother, mother, I'm fine right now," Artemis said comfortingly. "I am awake now, and that's all that counts."

"But you were asleep for so long…" his mother sobbed, "My little Arty," Angeline completely broke down, wailing into her husband's shoulder.

"You see, Artemis," said his father, talking over Angeline's crying,

"_We_ weren't sure if… if you had sustained sufficient spinal damage when you fell to… paralyze you." Artemis winced. One of the things he admired (and sometimes disliked) about his father was his no-nonsense attitude.

"Oh." Why was he so illiterate today?

"But it's not a problem," said his father quickly. "The kids who took care of you until the ambulance came did a fantastic job."

"Really? I did not know that any of the others had medical training."

"Apparently, they do. A boy named Connor, or Collin or something did most of the first aid stuff, but the one girl helped out. She looked white as a sheet, completely terrified, but she rode to the hospital with you all the same." His mother looked up, her eyes red. However, there was a small smile playing around her lips.

"Is she your girlfriend, Arty?" Artemis was shocked. _Jay? What…?_

"No! I mean, no mother. She's just a friend." His father raised an eyebrow.

"Then why did she get on the ambulance and riding to the hospital with you? It was obvious she didn't like blood."_ That was kind of her, but completely unnecessary. However, now the question is, _why?

Artemis said nothing.

"And when she comes to town to work on Sundays and Tuesdays, she makes a point to drop in and see how you are doing," said his father.

"Not to mention," His mother's eyes glittered, "The boys back at the school said she practically fainted when she saw what had happened to you, she was so worried."

For a second, in his mind's eye, Artemis could almost see Jay bending over him, her eyes large and her face pale. He imagined her look of fear and worry that was on her features. For a moment, his fog-addled brain changed the scene to where Jay was crying over his lifeless body. The image made him mentally blush. He wondered if she actually had been so worried about him. It was good to imagine she had been. But…_ stop it, you fool!_ He told himself. _You are being stupid about this whole matter. She is probably afraid of blood, nothing more. _

"AHH!" gasped Artemis, pain shooting through him as he tried to sit up again. He slowly lost consciousness, his parents bending worriedly over him.

* * *

**Heheheheh. Didn't see THAT one comin' now did ja? Yes, Arty survives, and yes, Jay puked her guts out all night. I wonder which one was the worst off? **

**So pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease review, even if you think it's crap. **


End file.
